Kyle just finished printing out the form he needed to send to a client, an elderly woman who had just lost her husband. He felt empathy for her and really wanted to get it done as fast as possible. Searching the nearby desk, he could not find the stapler. He looked over and saw it sitting out in the open, on a distant desk. He reached out to grab it but was stopped by a voice.

“Have you had your operators course updated?” the performance and adjustments teams communication and awareness support officer asked.

“No, I didn’t know that I had to,” Kyle was unsure if she was joking or not, but he had learned early on that humour is unwise in most situations like this.

“I’m sorry. I feel your anxiety and this may be a difficult time but it is a requirement that you get qualified before operating the device.”

“It’s a stapler, I have used them before. It’s important I need to get something sent to a client, she just lost her husband.”

“I am not challenging you or threatening upon your experiences. Or that persons. It’s now stated policy and a requirement for everyone involved that you are qualified before you use the device.”

He nodded, “I can’t just put one staple in and send it? when is the next course?”

“If you log in to your porthole, you will find a list of courses that you can attend to update your skill sets.”

“Thanks,” he feigned a smile and returned to his desk. He taped into his screen and searched the porthole, there was nothing under stapler. He spent another hour looking until he found a drop down bar with a list of training requirements, he found ‘soft material puncture and compression applicator’ in between, ‘micro operations ink cylinder and dispenser’ and ‘end-to-end directional adjustment conformer.’ He read the requirements and felt frustration when he saw that he had to attend a five hour in person work shop.

Kyle considered just sending the envelope with the forms without a staple. He then remembered the controversy that had stirred in the media. Loose pages fell onto the floor when a person opened up a document, it triggered an outburst and caused distress to the victim. A headline for a few days, it became a mandate that anything more than two pages, had to be attached in some manner.

Two days later, Kyle attended the workshop. After the welcome to the nation ceremony, followed by awareness of awareness discussions and a brief trigger word declaration and assurances question and answers procedural discussion, he and the two other people in attendance were ready to commence. The non-specific human who was conducting the seminar went in and out of what titles, pronouns and handles was allowed to be used including what he was allowed to identify himself as. So, he remained silent. Which was in itself assumed to be a form of privileged aggression. He spent another twenty minutes on the receiving end of a lecture, so he kept silent and knew not to nod or shake his head, as either could be considered a micro aggression or a triggering point.

The instructor spent another hour discussing their journey and ambitions. Telling those in attendance about their interests, generational trauma and how courageous and brave they were for existing. In the final hour, the stapler was presented to the class and as the instructor struggled with the mechanics, let alone how and why it’s used. Paper was finally introduced.

Kyle was tempted to explain, how to operate the device. He knew better. To do such a thing would be the greatest of crimes and could in fact cost him his job. Or worse. So, he remained silent. Once the instructor had figured out how to open the mechanism and apply pressure, they went on to assert that such architecture was made by a privileged class and was in fact offensive. No effective demonstration was achieved. The paper remained without staples after the five hours. The other two stayed back for the after care-check in session. Kyle left now ‘qualified’ to operate the stapler.

Three weeks passed when he received an email. He had passed the course. Attached to the certificate was a list of areas that he may be able to improve himself and ensure workplace harmony. Even the word ‘work’ was being contested in the body of text, it went from ‘professional habitat’, which the author insisted reflected a capitalist distinction to ‘being hub’. By the end of the argumentative essay, he was unsure as to what was decided upon so he knew to avoid those words until a person from another class above himself spoke them first.

He approached the stapler with the certificate.

“Well done, that is very good of you. Did you fill out the APR212 form?”

“Pardon?”

“Yes, you need to fill out an APR212 operators form.”

“Are you joking?”

She smiled, “I didn’t say APR6-7 now did I?”

He frowned, “I will go and find one of those forms.”

Two days later, once he had found and filled out the form with an approved ink carrier and dispenser he took the form, along with the certificate before he went to access the stapler.

“We have a new device in.”

“I’m sorry? What happened to the other stapler?”

“The other soft material puncture and compression applicator has been replaced. We now have a smart applicator.”

“OK, may I please use it?”

“You can, this one streamlines the process, so it is much easier than before. The previous applicator was problematic to say the least.”

“Thank you,” He took the applicator device and went to his being hub, at least he thinks that was the current term for it.

He pushed the button and a light beamed in his direction, “please scan your face and show a government ID before advancing any further.’

He groaned and complied. The face selfie was awkward to do, and then it scanned from the screen his ID. Once he was approved the tone of the device lifted into synthetic joy, “look at you go, we are almost set before you can start getting into the paper munching and grin growing.”

He put the forms between the two levers of the stapler applicator device. He pushed down, nothing happened.

“Looks like you are having some trouble? Maybe we can trouble shoot this together, how about we scan the pages first, so we know that no naughty or offensive material is being handled.”

“It’s a clients personal financial records. I would not feel comfortable doing that.”

“Well that sounds terrific. All information goes into a cloud, and is deleted in a few days. Once the adequate confirmations and checks are made, we forget everything. It’s a safeguard for you, me, everybody. We just want to make sure that no offensive or hateful material is being accessed.”

He looked at the device with distrust, then spent the next ten minutes running it’s scanner over each page. Once he received approval, he was able to apply the staple.

“Congratulations. We did it. Our first in many compression and punctures together. Before you set me aside, can you make sure to fill out a confirmation form on your porthole to confirm that you have witnessed and viewed this content before submitting it.”

“Who needs that confirmation? I am just sending this information to the client as they required it.”

“Your confirmation is just there to make sure we are all safe, and secure. It’s for me, you and everybody. The confirmation will be uploaded into a cloud and deleted in a few days.”

He read the confirmation button and could not make any sense of what it said, or where the duality of legalese and ‘correct’ speech took him. He applied his signature on the screen and sent it away.

The applicator device turned off.

Kyle then sealed up the documents inside of a secure folder. Once he reached the mailing area, he put it onto the “outgoing” tray.

“I am going to have to stop you there buddy,” a portly man, maybe his age, or older, even younger said.

“What now?”

The man laughed, “I know, I know, it can be a real stress but, you have to get this signed off.”

“By who?”

“Outgoings.”

“I thought you were outgoings?”

“That’s a common mistake, and I will let you have that one, no, no, outgoings is over there but they are doing a Positive Assurance and Awareness Walk today. So brave of them all, they are real troopers. “

“So, they are back here tomorrow?”

“They all should be.”

“They is all of them, or one of them?”

“They is them, the outgoings department.”

“And, that would be more than one person?”

“Person might be an offensive trigger to anyone who is a furry, for example my partner is a pup.”

Kyle nodded, “so, if I come back tomorrow, I will find someone in the outgoings to get this signed off”

“Correct.”

“Thank you,” Kyle nodded and left.

The following day, outgoings had a beaming person, being, department? smiling at him.

“Hello, I am here to get this signed off,” Kyle handed over the form.

“Oh, look at you being productive. Well done you. How great does it feel being so productive?”

“Good, I think.”

“Has this been approved by the Benefits and Disability co-coordinator?”

Kyle was unsure, “I don’t know.”

“Go see Steph, she is on still. She can let you know.”

Kyle found the Benefits and Disability co-coordinator, “hello, welcome.”

Kyle greeted her back and then explained the case.

“Let me look that client up, it looks like that they have sixty percent Irish heritage, twenty percent German ancestry, and then we have two minority points, ten percent Persian and another ten percent Indian. Oh, look she went in for depression.”

“Yes, her husband passed away.”

“If she went to the doctor for depression, she may be approved for a dispensation and benefits. It’s important that we recognise her rights.”

“This is a form for her to see her financial information. I don’t think this has anything to do with payments, or benefits. We are offering this pro-Bono.”

“I will submit this to the government, we will then in turn get the government subsidy on her behalf and that way it can be sent off.”

The woman pushed some buttons on the screen. Then turned to Kyle and smiled, “I can now approve.”

He felt relief, “Thank you so much.”

“Anytime, now go be you.”

Kyle returned to the outgoings, where he was again greeted by a wide smile,” here is that productive person again!”

“Yes, I am here again for you to sign this off.”

“You got the approval, well done, that was quick. It must be your smile, a smile always wins the day.”

“It sure does,” Kyle made sure to exaggerate his smile.

They pushed down a pink unicorn stamp onto the back of the envelope and another on a form that they themselves kept. Kyle assumed the rainbow stamp to be the signature, though did not make a comment.

“Thank you.” he smiled.

“Anytime. Look at you go and be all productive and have yourself a positive and enriching day.”

“You also.”

Kyle approached the desk from yesterday but the man was not there. A sign instead said, ’we are all having a scheduled mental health day, see you tomorrow :)’

A pile of outgoings lay in a tray. Kyle decided to put the envelope there. Hoping that was all that needed to be done.

Three weeks later, while he was attempting to update the firmware on the stapler and get it to communicate with a nearby non-boiling kettle, don’t ask. A person placed an envelope in front of him. On it was a sticker attached, needs to have an LRTT231222 before it can be sent out. He recognised the pink unicorn stamp.

He sighed. Tomorrow was another day.