2023 was another godsend for cynics. Here’s a round-up of my zestiest lines from my articles in the past year. Some lines were tweaked for this collection. Hearty thanks to Hunter DeRensis and editors at other outlets who ran those articles up the flagpole.
“Telling the truth is the only war crime now recognized by the U.S. government.”
“The new, improved definition of ‘dictatorship’ refers only to rulers who promise to do bad things to good people.”
“Shrouding the federal iron fist in a velvet glove betrays the Bill of Rights.”
“Would-be tyrants can always find lofty pretexts to shackle their victims.”
Democracy
“To save democracy, Team Biden treats cynicism like a weapon of mass destruction.”
“Surrounding Capitol Hill with high fences and barbed wire keeps peasants away from the ‘Temple of Democracy’ when sacred rites are occurring.”
“State of the Union speeches resemble old-time medicine side shows, with presidents huffing and puffing to restore faith in government.”
“Watching Biden’s State of the Union speech was like being cornered by a drunken lout who endlessly yanks on your sleeve and babbles about all the favors he’s going to do for you.”
“The January 6 prosecutions are part of a growing FBI onslaught against dissent.”
World Economic Forum
“If you expect billionaires and political weasels to save the Earth, you’ll love the World Economic Forum at Davos, Switzerland.”
“You can judge an audience by how much bullshit they accept from the podium.”
“According to the World Economic Forum, individual freedom is a luxury that governments can no longer afford.”
Uncle Joe
“The Biden administration is expanding the federal Enemies List faster than any time since the Nixon era.”
“Biden has gotten lost on stage so many times that WAZE should create a special app for Joe to navigate his next steps.”
“Hatred is simply another issue conscripted for a Biden ‘get out the vote’ drive.”
“Following the latest Biden scandal is like watching a sporting championship with a fuzzy video feed and a 30-day tape delay.”
“Hunter Biden’s laptop disclosed more damning information than any bimbo boinked by Trump.”
The Durn Media
“Washington Post readers are the cream of the intellectual crop, at least according to Washington Post readers.”
“The media don’t need to cover up Biden’s abuses forever—only until November 5, 2024.”
“Groveling to officialdom is the job description for Washington journalists.”
“The Biden administration supports ‘independent media’ by covertly putting foreign journalists on the U.S. government payroll.”
“In lieu of hard facts, journalists are hellbent on uplift.”
Lies, Damn Lies, and Public Service
“In Washington, conning the American people is always considered a victimless crime.”
“Lies are political weapons of mass destruction, obliterating all limits on government power.”
“’Truth will out’ is Washington’s favorite fairy tale.”
“In Washington, truth is reckoned as the greatest enemy of democracy. Hard facts are deadly threats to a president’s prerogative to define reality and impose ‘the will of the people.'”
Secrecy and Censorship
“Once the government starts censoring, it is never enough.”
“The rule of law now means little more than the enforcement of the secret memos of the commander-in-chief.”
“Nullifying freedom of speech turns citizens into political pawns who can be sacrificed as their rulers please.”
“The battle over federal censorship will determine whether Americans have more than a passing whiff of political freedom.”
“Washingtonians presume that secrecy does no harm as long as federal dirt never leaks out.”
“’Government = truth’ is the premise for the Biden censorship regime.”
“Democrats champion a National Lampoon definition of censorship: Unless there is a photo of an FBI agent pointing a gun at a Twitter employee, the feds did nothing wrong.”
“Federal agencies claim to be innocent bystanders—as if tens of millions of tweets and other social-media posts mysteriously vanished into Area 51.”
“Inside the Beltway, classified information is viewed as a holy relic that cannot be exposed without damning the nation.”
“Pervasive secrecy defines down democracy: People merely select their Supreme Deceivers.”
“Hysteria over disinformation presumes that nobody ever lied before the invention of the Internet. “
“How many years will it take until we learn all the ways the FBI tampered with the 2020 election?”
History and Foreign Policy
“Do Wokesters want to condemn and expunge all of American history prior to the unveiling of the LGBT Rainbow flag?”
“Are we defaulting to the ‘cannon fodder version of democracy’? Do Americans have the right to know if the Biden administration is dragging them into World War III?”
“After 9/11, the harder my articles hit, the less newshole I got.”
“The U.S. government perennially claims to be an innocent bystander after its covert interventions unleash havoc abroad.”
“After 9/11, anyone who denied “they hate us for our freedoms” automatically became an enemy of freedom.”
“When President Bush promised to ‘rid the world of evil’ a few days after the 9/11 attacks, I knew America was screwed.”
“Henry Kissinger was the most esteemed war criminal in American history.”
“The biggest disaster of the Korean war was that foreign-policy ‘experts’ succeeded in redefining the Korean quagmire as an American victory.”
“What could be worse than systematically torturing detainees around the world? Using tortured confessions in federal court.”
“Slavery did help sparkour revolution, but it was ‘slavery by Parliament’—a common derisive phrase in colonial America.”
“The Iraq War codified presidents’ prerogative to inflict no-fault carnage on the world. Pundits and laptop bombardiers who clamored for war rose to greater fame regardless of the fiascos that followed military intervention. ‘Extremism’ was redefined to include anyone who opposed launching catastrophic wars based on secret and usually false evidence.”
“If politicians drag this nation into a major war, keeping your mouth shut won’t protect you against incoming missiles.”
“How could Washington’s ‘best and brightest’ be so clueless for so long?”
Miscellaneous
“Twenty years after 9/11, TSA has no right to continue treating American travelers like convicts waiting to enter a prison shower.”
“Giving people mortgages they can’t afford is the easiest way to ruin their lives.”
“Mandy Cohen, Biden’s new C.D.C. chief, is a telegenic authoritarian straight from liberal central casting.”
“Congress’s debt-ceiling deal should have been named ‘The No Biden Boondoggle Left Behind Act.'”
“Government spending equals power for politicians. Asking politicians to reduce spending is like asking a king to abdicate his throne.”
“In Washington, the appearance of benevolence is always worth more than the reality.”
