Scottsdale, Ariz. – National Football League bigshots, meeting here to drive drunk and get in fights in Old Town nightclubs, in the longstanding tradition of college and professional football players who visit this resort city, announced today that they had voted unanimously to allow the Oakland Raiders to move to North Korea.
NFL spokesman Dennis Rodman said that N. Korea epitomizes the league’s values—and, increasingly, America’s values. “The North Koreans have taken sports socialism to the next level,” said a beaming Rodman.
Under the terms of the agreement, the Raiders will not only get a free stadium from the generous government, they will also get free coverage on state TV, as well as a government guarantee that every game will be sold out through the forced conscription of fans.
When asked how he could justify the N. Korean government spending money on sports when its citizens don’t have enough to eat, Rodman said, “Let ‘em eat nachos covered with greasy artificial cheese.”
“And please don’t be sanctimonious about this,” Rodman continued. “The good ole USA tears down perfectly good stadiums and builds gleaming new ones in the downtowns of decaying cities, surrounded by miles and miles of slums, where my bros work for the drug industry and slaughter each other.”
League President Len Vladimir stepped in front of Rodman, and with a nervous smile said, “What Dennis was trying to say was that it’s a proven fact of Keynesian economics that subsidized sports return $1,000 to the community for every dollar stolen from, er, invested by, taxpayers. This deal is a surefire way of introducing American-style capitalism to North Korea.”
Mr. Vladimir went on to promise that every half-time show in North Korea will be a bigger extravaganza than the half-time shows at the Super Bowl. “Instead of a military color guard and martial music,” he said, “ballistic missiles will be towed around the field. And to top the vulgarity of half-time entertainers in the States, firing squads will shoot dissidents in front of the fans.”
Separately, Cuba and Venezuela expressed disappointment over the NFL’s decision, saying that they had offered better terms to the league. But both countries were pleased that Major League Baseball had promised them an expansion team. The deals were brokered by former President George W. Bush and modeled on the deal he got from Dallas for his Texas Rangers.
