You Might be a Libertarian

by | Jan 26, 2020

If the police call your home asking you to donate to their fundraiser and you respond, “Am I being detained?” you might be a Libertarian.

If you didn’t recognize Walter White had a problem until the FIFTH season of Breaking Bad. You might be a Libertarian.

If you thoroughly research the candidates, issues, and propositions before NOT voting. You might be a Libertarian.

If you’ve bought schematics for 3D-printed body armor using Bitcoin, you might be a Libertarian.

If you’ve bought raw milk out of someone’s car trunk, but won’t drink fluoridated water, you might be a Libertarian.

If you wear costumes on the 5th of November instead of October 31st. You might be a Libertarian.

If you hesitate clicking “Force Restart” on your computer because it could be a violation of the non-aggression principle. You might be a Libertarian.

If you’ve invoked five or more constitutional amendments by the time you get through a traffic stop. You might be a Libertarian.

If you keep an AK-47 in a glass box labeled “Break in case of emergency”, you might be a Libertarian.

If your parakeet picked up the phrase “Come back when you have a warrant!”, you might be a Libertarian.

If you post about bureaucracy so frequently that you can type “bureaucracy” without having to look up how to spell it, you might be a Libertarian.

If you rage quit Sim City because you didn’t win by setting taxes to zero, you might be a Libertarian.

If you believe in “an eye for an eye”, but only because it’s a “like-kind exchange” and not taxable under IRC Section 1031 of the IRS code, you might be a Libertarian.

If you would open your safe room for Anne Frank, runaway slaves, AND The Dukes of Hazzard to hide them from authorities, then you might be a Libertarian.

If you place flag stamps on envelopes upside-down to be in compliance with the National Sign of Distress, you might be a Libertarian.

If when you say “Freedom isn’t free”, you mean freedom isn’t AVAILABLE, you might be a Libertarian.

If you proselytize to TSA agents that they’re pawns of the Latex Glove Industrial Complex, you might be a Libertarian.

If you were willing to sit through TWO of the three Atlas Shrugged movies. You might be a Libertarian.

If you have more Ludwig von Mises swag than you know what to do with, you might be a Libertarian.

If you write “Extortion” on the “For: ___________” line of your checks to the IRS, you might be a Libertarian.

If you keep a poison capsule by your bedside in case Bernie Sanders OR Jeb Bush become president, you might be a Libertarian.

If you use the letter to your Congressman to scrape bird shit off your mailbox so something practical would come of it, you might be a Libertarian.

If you think the perfectly valid question “Who will build the roads” is a punchline. You might be a Libertarian.

If you wear a bow tie around your neck and carry a gun on your hip at the same time, you might be a Libertarian.

If you complain about Canadian immigrants having an adverse effect on our way of life, you might be a Libertarian.

If your children take a bar of silver to Show and Tell. You might be a Libertarian.

If you have Lew Rockwell bookmarked, Ron Swanson friended, and Tom Woods on speed dial. You might be a Libertarian.

If you’ve so fervently picked yourself up by the bootstraps that you’ve cut off all circulation in your feet, you might be a Libertarian.

If Obama had been a Kenyan-born Muslim refusing to recite the Pledge of Allegiance, and it wouldn’t concern you in the slightest, you might be a Libertarian.

If the thought of Obama being a Kenyan didn’t bother you anywhere near as much as him being a Keynesian, you might be a Libertarian.

If you carry an olive branch, but are willing to beat someone to death with it in self-defense, you might be a Libertarian.

If you deliberately misinterpret IRS quarterly payments to mean you send the IRS a quarter every three months, you might be a Libertarian.

If your idea of a drinking game is driving down the freeway and taking a shot of absinthe for every Ron Paul bumper sticker you see, you might be a Libertarian.

If you make literally everything out of hemp, including pasta, cell phones, the cure for Aids, gold, the cause of Aids, etc., you might be a Libertarian.

If you think Coca-Cola isn’t “Classic” until they can reintroduce cocaine as an ingredient, you might be a Libertarian.

If your idea of “talking sports” is running through the numbers of city revenue lost through stadium subsidization, you might be a libertarian.

You might be a Libertarian if undercover agents try to bait you into sharing The Anarchist’s Cookbook and all they get out of you is The Ron Paul Family Cookbook.

If you “personalize” your license plate by putting a captcha on it, you might be a Libertarian.

If you think the National Anthem should be replaced with Muse’s “Uprising”, you might be a Libertarian.

If you think all these sexy young women trying to friend you on social media are government agents, you might be right!

If you think the National Anthem should be replaced with Rush’s “Anthem”, you might be an Objectivist.

If you refer to the Libertarian Party as the lesser of three evils. You might be an Anarchist.

If you think George Washington should have been immediately impeached, you might be an Anarchist.

If you consider jujitsu sexual foreplay. You might be an Objectivist.

If you think Ebenezer Scrooge was just “misunderstood”, you might be an objectivist.

If you believe the universe was created by God as an elaborate scam to get your social security number, you might be a Libertarian theist.

If you suspect al-Buquerque is a terrorist organization, you might be a Neo-Con.

If your motto is “Location! Location! Location!”, you might be a Zionist.

If you refer to police arresting people as “kidnapping”, jail as “The Rape Cage” and bail as “ransom”, you might be an anarchist.

If you put future generations in debt “for the children”, you might be a Keynesian.

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