You Might be a Libertarian

You Might be a Libertarian

If the police call your home asking you to donate to their fundraiser and you respond, “Am I being detained?” you might be a Libertarian.

If you didn’t recognize Walter White had a problem until the FIFTH season of Breaking Bad. You might be a Libertarian.

If you thoroughly research the candidates, issues, and propositions before NOT voting. You might be a Libertarian.

If you’ve bought schematics for 3D-printed body armor using Bitcoin, you might be a Libertarian.

If you’ve bought raw milk out of someone’s car trunk, but won’t drink fluoridated water, you might be a Libertarian.

If you wear costumes on the 5th of November instead of October 31st. You might be a Libertarian.

If you hesitate clicking “Force Restart” on your computer because it could be a violation of the non-aggression principle. You might be a Libertarian.

If you’ve invoked five or more constitutional amendments by the time you get through a traffic stop. You might be a Libertarian.

If you keep an AK-47 in a glass box labeled “Break in case of emergency”, you might be a Libertarian.

If your parakeet picked up the phrase “Come back when you have a warrant!”, you might be a Libertarian.

If you post about bureaucracy so frequently that you can type “bureaucracy” without having to look up how to spell it, you might be a Libertarian.

If you rage quit Sim City because you didn’t win by setting taxes to zero, you might be a Libertarian.

If you believe in “an eye for an eye”, but only because it’s a “like-kind exchange” and not taxable under IRC Section 1031 of the IRS code, you might be a Libertarian.

If you would open your safe room for Anne Frank, runaway slaves, AND The Dukes of Hazzard to hide them from authorities, then you might be a Libertarian.

If you place flag stamps on envelopes upside-down to be in compliance with the National Sign of Distress, you might be a Libertarian.

If when you say “Freedom isn’t free”, you mean freedom isn’t AVAILABLE, you might be a Libertarian.

If you proselytize to TSA agents that they’re pawns of the Latex Glove Industrial Complex, you might be a Libertarian.

If you were willing to sit through TWO of the three Atlas Shrugged movies. You might be a Libertarian.

If you have more Ludwig von Mises swag than you know what to do with, you might be a Libertarian.

If you write “Extortion” on the “For: ___________” line of your checks to the IRS, you might be a Libertarian.

If you keep a poison capsule by your bedside in case Bernie Sanders OR Jeb Bush become president, you might be a Libertarian.

If you use the letter to your Congressman to scrape bird shit off your mailbox so something practical would come of it, you might be a Libertarian.

If you think the perfectly valid question “Who will build the roads” is a punchline. You might be a Libertarian.

If you wear a bow tie around your neck and carry a gun on your hip at the same time, you might be a Libertarian.

If you complain about Canadian immigrants having an adverse effect on our way of life, you might be a Libertarian.

If your children take a bar of silver to Show and Tell. You might be a Libertarian.

If you have Lew Rockwell bookmarked, Ron Swanson friended, and Tom Woods on speed dial. You might be a Libertarian.

If you’ve so fervently picked yourself up by the bootstraps that you’ve cut off all circulation in your feet, you might be a Libertarian.

If Obama had been a Kenyan-born Muslim refusing to recite the Pledge of Allegiance, and it wouldn’t concern you in the slightest, you might be a Libertarian.

If the thought of Obama being a Kenyan didn’t bother you anywhere near as much as him being a Keynesian, you might be a Libertarian.

If you carry an olive branch, but are willing to beat someone to death with it in self-defense, you might be a Libertarian.

If you deliberately misinterpret IRS quarterly payments to mean you send the IRS a quarter every three months, you might be a Libertarian.

If your idea of a drinking game is driving down the freeway and taking a shot of absinthe for every Ron Paul bumper sticker you see, you might be a Libertarian.

If you make literally everything out of hemp, including pasta, cell phones, the cure for Aids, gold, the cause of Aids, etc., you might be a Libertarian.

If you think Coca-Cola isn’t “Classic” until they can reintroduce cocaine as an ingredient, you might be a Libertarian.

If your idea of “talking sports” is running through the numbers of city revenue lost through stadium subsidization, you might be a libertarian.

You might be a Libertarian if undercover agents try to bait you into sharing The Anarchist’s Cookbook and all they get out of you is The Ron Paul Family Cookbook.

If you “personalize” your license plate by putting a captcha on it, you might be a Libertarian.

If you think the National Anthem should be replaced with Muse’s “Uprising”, you might be a Libertarian.

If you think all these sexy young women trying to friend you on social media are government agents, you might be right!

If you think the National Anthem should be replaced with Rush’s “Anthem”, you might be an Objectivist.

If you refer to the Libertarian Party as the lesser of three evils. You might be an Anarchist.

If you think George Washington should have been immediately impeached, you might be an Anarchist.

If you consider jujitsu sexual foreplay. You might be an Objectivist.

If you think Ebenezer Scrooge was just “misunderstood”, you might be an objectivist.

If you believe the universe was created by God as an elaborate scam to get your social security number, you might be a Libertarian theist.

If you suspect al-Buquerque is a terrorist organization, you might be a Neo-Con.

If your motto is “Location! Location! Location!”, you might be a Zionist.

If you refer to police arresting people as “kidnapping”, jail as “The Rape Cage” and bail as “ransom”, you might be an anarchist.

If you put future generations in debt “for the children”, you might be a Keynesian.

You Might be a Libertarian

Uncivil Obedience

When I do contract work with the government I make it clear I’m against their rules, but follow all the rules to a T. Which drives them crazy, because they are publicly for the rules but want me to break them to keep things moving.

You Might be a Libertarian

Wokus Group

I attended a focus group to give feedback about a series of commercials that will air nationally. I think I experienced “snowflakes” in the flesh for the first time. They were offended by something in every one of those commercials. Saying, “The female manager in the first commercial was too dominating. I’m sick and tired of seeing the stereotype that women are bossy.” “The woman in the second commercial was too wimpy. It’s a stereotype to portray women as weak.” “Only one of the three characters in this commercial was a black woman.” Another commercial was simply a man by himself, looking at the camera, describing a feature of the product and a participant referred to it as “mansplaining.”

Then they get around to two commercials portraying Italian-Americans as mobsters. I was probably the only Italian-American in the room, it certainly crossed my mind to complain, but I’m not going to play that game. I didn’t say a word. So if you see an uptick in Italian stereotypes in commercials in the near future, you can blame me for that.

There was also an ad showing two men doing yoga, and a woman was reading homoerotic innuendos that I swear were not there and saying instead of two men it should be a man and a woman so the LGBT community wouldn’t be offended. Everyone else in the room had quizzical looks on their faces for that one, it wasn’t just me. If she had really been up to date on her wokeness she would have said “LGBTQIA+” (and sometimes Y).

You Might be a Libertarian

I Think I Just Saved Democracy. You’re Welcome.

My latest hairbrained scheme that just might work. The U.S. Capital used to be in New York City, but became so infested with lobbyists it had to move to Philadelphia, and then again to what is now Washington, D.C. One look at D.C. and obviously we need another move. This is going to keep happening, so how about we have each state take turns running the country each year? This also gives states a balance of power without the Electoral College! Colorado’s turn will legalize weed on a national level, New Hampshire will have a national ban on compulsory auto insurance, and Nevada will legalize everything else. Sure it also means we’ll have to put up with Massachusetts putting cranberries in everything, South Dakota making us build them a city, and then Florida making oranges our national bird, but the things that don’t work out can be quickly overridden by the next state. Who’s with me?!

You Might be a Libertarian

Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Sequel

Just saw An Inconvenient Sequel (2017) expecting the latest data on climate change, but just got more of Al Gore making this all about him, going on and on about himself, how people around the world recognize him in the streets and mistakenly think he’s the current President of the United States, how he lost the election and it wasn’t fair, and what a great guy he is for conceding, showing us his concession speech AGAIN. Gore acts like a really needy person desperate for attention. Taking us through his life history, showing us his dog “Bo” named after Obama’s dog (real creative), holding up framed photos of him on Meet the Press to impress us.

You’re in your own MOVIE, let’s not waste the audience’s time bragging about how you’ve been on television. He even shows footage of him showing people An Inconvenient Truth in 2006. Is this a sequel or just very delayed BONUS FEATURES for the first movie? There’s a tiny smattering of relevant anecdotal evidence to global warming, the flood in New York, Philippines, a heat wave in Pakistan, and then prescribes to an audience full of terrified women with their mouths hanging open not get pregnant because there’s a good chance they could get the Zika virus from a mosquito (it’s ~0.00014%, and then only 5-14% of those infected will have birth defects*). The other evidence was a long walk to blame Islamic terrorism on climate change. And this all ends with him saying his belief in climate change being catastrophic is a “feeling” and when he looks at the data he has a strong “feeling” what he’s saying is true. I would rather he interview scientists expressing such concern. Nothing minimizes climate change more than Al Gore. I must say he has learned a little something. With polar bear population at a 40 year high and ice caps not melting by the summer of 2013, gore has learned to shy away from referencing specific claims.

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